Monday, March 29, 2010

What's on your grocery list?

Just came across this very funny book detailing found grocery lists.  It got me thinking about what I put on my grocery list.  Here are some observations:

1.  I always organize my list based on where the items are in the store.  Therefore, I must always go to same store no matter what, AND, if the store moves items around, I'm screwed.

2. The list changes depending upon who is doing the shopping.  If I send a list with my husband, I have to be very careful what to put on the list so as not to confuse him.  For example, if I need apples, I cannot just write "apples" because he'll get the wrong kind.  (You know, the kind that are already mushy by the time you buy them and no one wants to eat them, and so they just sit in bottom drawer until you smell something bad.)  I must write "Fuji apples in the organic section, but not the kind in the bag - just buy the individual ones", which takes up a lot of space and, who are we kidding, he'll just buy whatever damn apples he wants to anyway.  

3. I always abbreviate embarrassing items, just in case.  It's like wearing clean underwear just in case you get in a car accident.  The list I went out with on the first day home from the hospital after giving birth was a doosey!  (Just a note for all you pregnant ladies out there - Raley's doesn't sell the little doughnut pillows that you sit on.)

4. Write your list in bold dark definitive print.  This way you will not deviate from the list, nor be tempted to purchase impulse items, like the copy of The Star where Michelle Obama had a love child with an alien, or when People magazine did an expose on celebrity cellulite.  (That one did make my self esteem go up a notch, and therefore was maybe worth the guilt of deviating from the list. I mean really, we all knew it was all air-brushing anyway right?  Who could have a perfect ass?  Certainly not someone who has given birth, or someone who has no time to work out because she's busy cleaning up after everyone, or someone who has to do all the x*x~!!@  grocery shopping all the time!) 

5. Lastly, be very careful who you decide to shop with. It is preferable to shop alone.  If shopping with children, be firm.  Hold your ground.  It is you against them!  And we know who is stronger, right?  (And next time you come to a garage sale at my house, don't give me that look when I'm trying to unload a plethora Hot Wheels and Golden Books for 25 cents a bag.)


Angie said...

Oh, Shelley, this is hilarious! I so relate to your rant about husbands. I think, 'Why do I even bother?' But then I remember how passionately I hate the grocery store and I love him for saving me from the torture. I can use peanut m&m's instead of Ghirradelli chocolate squares in my fondue, right?

Shelley Barkley said...

Oh Angie, I like the fondue compromise, but how to handle the little round chunks in it?